Losing Control, Gaining Frustration

Why the Less You Control, the More You Feel It

Have you ever noticed how your frustration spikes when you feel trapped, powerless, or like no matter what you do, nothing changes?

This isn’t just anecdotal — it’s psychological. Research consistently finds that frustration is negatively correlated with perceived control (Averill, 1973; Mikulincer, 1994). In simpler terms: the more out of control you feel, the more likely you are to get angry, irritable, or shut down.

In our therapy office here in Amarillo, this pattern shows up in people of all backgrounds — parents, professionals, teens, even high-achieving adults who are “doing everything right” but still feel on edge. The problem isn’t always their behavior. Sometimes, it’s their relationship with control.

The Psychology of Frustration

Frustration occurs when there’s a barrier between what you want and your ability to get it. That could be:

A job that won’t promote you despite your effort
A child who won’t follow rules no matter how clear you are
A body that won’t respond to exercise like it used to
A relationship that doesn’t change despite open conversations

When people feel in control, they experience a sense of agency — “I can do something about this.” But when control slips away, frustration fills the gap.

Research: The Control–Frustration Link

Averill (1973) found that frustration is most intense when people believe they should be able to change a situation but lack the means to do so. This “learned helplessness” dynamic (Seligman, 1975) can lead to despair, aggression, or total disengagement.

Mikulincer (1994) studied individuals in stressful situations and found that those who perceived less control exhibited significantly higher frustration, anger, and avoidance behaviors.

In other words, control isn’t a luxury — it’s a psychological necessity. When we don’t have it, our emotional system sends up red flags.

The Therapy Connection

So what does this have to do with therapy in Amarillo?

In session, many clients begin by focusing on the surface-level frustration — “I’m tired of this,” “I can’t take it anymore,” or “Why does this keep happening?” Over time, we often discover that what’s underneath is a profound lack of control:

“I can’t make them listen.”
“I can’t make my boss respect me.”
“I can’t make myself stop feeling this way.”

And this is where the work begins.

Rebuilding a Sense of Agency

Therapy helps reframe what’s controllable — and what’s not. Here’s how:

1. Clarifying Your Sphere of Control

You can’t control the outcome of every situation, but you can control your:

Reactions
Boundaries
Choices
Priorities
Self-talk

This reframing moves clients from frustration to empowerment.

2. Increasing Emotional Regulation

Therapy can reduce frustration by improving your ability to tolerate discomfort. Practices like mindfulness, cognitive restructuring, and distress tolerance skills build the psychological muscles that keep frustration from taking over (Linehan, 1993).

3. Setting Realistic Expectations

Sometimes control is lost because expectations are unrealistic. Therapy can help shift from “this shouldn’t be happening” to “this is happening — now what?”

Control in Amarillo Life

Living in a smaller community like Amarillo can sometimes feel like you have less control over your options — fewer therapists, fewer job opportunities, fewer social outlets. But at Recovatry, we believe that therapy is where your control begins to return. Not because we fix life for you — but because we help you respond to life differently.

You’re Not Powerless — Even If You Feel That Way

If you’ve been noticing higher levels of frustration in your daily life, ask yourself:

What in this situation feels out of my control?
Is there anything I can influence, even slightly?
Have I been blaming myself for things outside my control?

And then: consider speaking to a therapist. You don’t have to “fix everything” to start feeling better — sometimes, it starts with recognizing the frustration for what it is: a signal that your control has been threatened.

You can contact our office here or read more about how we help people manage emotions like anger and frustration in our services page.

References

Averill, J. R. (1973). Personal control over aversive stimuli and its relationship to stress. Psychological Bulletin, 80(4), 286–303. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0034845

Mikulincer, M. (1994). Human learned helplessness: A coping perspective. New York: Plenum Press.

Seligman, M. E. P. (1975). Helplessness: On Depression, Development, and Death. San Francisco: Freeman.

Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder. Guilford Press.

Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of a qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or psychological condition.